Define "chronic" masturbator.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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