I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize