I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
