If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
don't judge my taste in strippers
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Randomize
