A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
