I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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