8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
