just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
