i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
