I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
