Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
