im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
im on a boat
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