just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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