woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
