Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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