I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just want nice things and good sex
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize