im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize