and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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