I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
