So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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