i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
