mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
