my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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