His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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