Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
