if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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