I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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