i think my mom watched the whole time
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
