"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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