I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So squirting runs in the family.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
