you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just invented taco cereal.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
