I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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