Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know her cup size but not her name....
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
