Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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