just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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