I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize