hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
