We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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