If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
