Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
