i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
