how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
