what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
