I think my fart just growled at me.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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