just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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