Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he thought i was a dude.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
