As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
