Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
