I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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