Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
