I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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