just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
