this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
