he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
