I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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