She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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