Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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