Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
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