i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
